


can you teach me how to feel real?

by aesphantasmal



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Other, Sappy, canon atypical nureyev talking about his feelings (briefly), canon typical nureyev vs the mortifying ordeal of being known, is it not enough to Yearn, must my fic be good?, the title was chosen essentially at random
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22718548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesphantasmal/pseuds/aesphantasmal
Summary: Peter Nureyev does not enjoy being known.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 23
Kudos: 116





	can you teach me how to feel real?

**Author's Note:**

> is this pretentious? unbetad? written at 3am? ooc? yes. do I care? no. I wrote this for me. y'all can read it if you want

Peter Nureyev does not enjoy being  _ known. _

Maybe it's that there's a certain allure to being a man of mystery, maybe it's the fear of what exactly someone who knew enough about him could do to him, maybe it's simple discomfort at the feeling that somebody is seeing you in focus for the first time in a long time and can pick each flaw out from the less distinct impression most people saw, like looking closely at something metallic and seeing all the scratches and dents.

Even worse than being known is not being in control of it. Even now, so long after the fact, when they have fallen apart and fallen back together, Nureyev still doesn't know what Juno really saw in his head, miles under the Martian surface. He understands why Juno didn't look into him, he thinks, because he knows what's in his past and he's not sure he really wants to know what parts of it Juno saw. Still, he can guess from some hints in conversation. (Juno seems to know where the name Peter Ransom comes from.)

But then, Nureyev thinks, as he looks at Juno resting with his head on Nureyev's shoulder, he's not sure whether he was really such an unknown quantity to Juno before any deep dives into his memories. Nureyev knows a lot of  _ information _ about Juno Steel, Former HCPD Officer, Former Private Eye, Current Space Pirate. He knows when he was born and what his mother did before she got fired and how many misdemeanours Juno has before applying to the police academy and his scores in the police academy. He knows what grades Juno got out of the police academy with, when, and where he was assigned next. He knows about cases Juno solved and cases he didn't, times where he saved a life and times where he wasn't quite quick enough. But all of those cold hard facts - matters of public record or easily obtained by slipping some creds to the right people - didn't tell him anywhere near as much about Juno Steel as he knew sitting there, the comforting weight of the detective's body leaning on him, fingers laced together, a small, contented smile on Juno's face. There have been very few quiet moments in their relationship - in either of their lives, really - and sometimes the stillness makes Nureyev nervous. When one is constantly on the move, there is no need to become a known quantity. But when you spend weeks, months, maybe even years around the same people, you must become something more substantial than the smoke and mirrors that seems like a person if you don't look too closely. But then, Juno had seen past it in a way that nobody had for many years, and yet he was here.

"Nureyev? You ok? You've been staring off into the distance for a while."

Nureyev squeezed Juno's hand. "I'm alright. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"It is possible - probable, perhaps even inevitable, given the length of time we're going to spend around each other, that our crewmates may decide to dig a little deeper into my past than most people have had the opportunity to. And I think we both know that the things they may find do not exactly give a... flattering impression of me."

"I mean, you could just tell them before they find out on their own. Better to hear it from you then from whatever the Brahmese government put out."

"I… suppose so…"

"I'm not saying you have to do anything, Nureyev. Just saying if you're that worried about it then that's something you could do. The others aren't gonna refuse to hear you out, and honestly I'd be surprised if at least Rita and Buddy don't know  _ something _ ." Juno sat up for a second, then shifted and lay his head on Nureyev's lap instead of his shoulder. "You're bony. This is more comfortable."

They sat in comfortable silence for a few more minutes, Nureyev running a hand through Juno's hair. Then Juno asked "Hey Nureyev?"

"Hmm?"

"What's your favourite colour?"

Nureyev thought for a second. He gave all his aliases favourite colours, but he'd never really thought that hard about it for himself. "Purple. Red, maybe. I can't say I ever gave much thought to it. Why?"

"Huh. Well, I was just thinking that even after everything, I don't know a bunch of shit that's, like, 'first date questions' about you."

Nureyev laughed, and Juno laughed with him. Juno's laughs were some of the most beautiful sounds he had heard. 

"What's yours?" he asked.

"Black for clothes. Kinda just goes with anything," Juno replied. "In general? I don't really know. Uh, tea or coffee?"

"In general coffee, though I am partial to some of the more obscure herbal teas one can find."

"Of course you are. I drink coffee a lot, but if I'm being honest? I kinda hate the taste of the stuff. So I just put a load of milk and sugar in it. I saw Vespa watching me put the sugar in the other day and she was staring at me in horror. But then, I've seen Vespa order a large coffee cup full of espresso shots at Space Starbucks, so I don't think she's really in a place to judge." 

"Criminals, both of you."

"We - We're all criminals, Nureyev. You're literally a master thief. Nureyev, stop laughing. Nureyev -" Juno glared up at him with what Nureyev could only describe as a pout, which only made Nureyev laugh harder. Juno sulked for a second, unlacing his hands from Nureyev's and crossing his arms.

"Hate you."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"Has anyone ever told you you're a smug asshole?"

Nureyev didn't reply, but took one of Juno's hands and kissed it. In response, Juno fully uncrossed his arms, looped them around Nureyev's neck, pulling himself up and pulling Nureyev down into a kiss. And as Peter Nureyev kissed the detective he'd given his name and his heart to, he thought that, after all, there were advantages to being known. After all, one has to be known to be loved, and all his fears and anxieties didn't seem to matter next to loving and being loved by Juno Steel.


End file.
